Feeding Distress & Refusal (Breast, Bottle, or Both)
A supportive path for when feeding feels tense, unpredictable, or emotionally heavy, whatever your feeding journey looks like.
What you might be seeing
This path is for you if feeding doesn’t feel like it’s unfolding the way it should — and instead of connection or comfort, you’re finding stress, struggle, or shutdown. You might be here because: Your baby refuses to latch or pushes the bottle away They feed for just a few seconds before pulling off or crying Feeding times feel unpredictable or emotionally exhausting You’re switching between breast and bottle, but neither is going well You’re expressing, topping up, or navigating a complex plan — and still not seeing progress You’ve tried different positions, bottles, timing — but nothing feels consistent You’ve been told “they’ll feed when they’re hungry,” but that’s not what’s happening You feel like you’re holding this whole plan together with spreadsheets, hope, and nerves This is for families navigating feeding distress, not just refusal — where every part of feeding feels hard. Whether you’re breastfeeding, bottle feeding, expressing, or doing all three — this path is here to help you untangle what’s happening, reset with clarity, and rebuild safety at the heart of feeding.
What could be going on
Feeding refusal or distress isn’t stubbornness or disinterest. It’s a signal. Something about the feeding experience — the rhythm, the position, the flow, the association — doesn’t feel manageable for your baby’s nervous system. And they’re protecting themselves the only way they can: through avoidance. Here’s what might be shaping the pattern: Feeding Has Felt Physically Uncomfortable If your baby has had reflux, allergies, constipation, or difficulty swallowing, feeding may have become linked with discomfort. Even if those issues are now treated, the body remembers. Refusing is often their way of protecting themselves from something they once experienced as painful. They Don’t Feel Secure in the Feeding Position Babies need full postural support to feed well — breast or bottle. If they’re working hard just to hold themselves steady, they’re less able to organise their suck, swallow, and breathe. That often shows up as arching, fussing, or disconnecting before the feed even begins. Feeding Has Felt Emotionally Dysregulating If feeding has been rushed, inconsistent, filled with switches, attempts, or pressure (even gentle), babies may begin to associate it with unpredictability. The moment the bottle or breast appears, their body tenses — not because they don’t want to feed, but because they’re unsure how it will feel. The Feeding Plan Has Become Overwhelming Switching between breast and bottle. Expressing. Topping up. Weighing before and after. All of this adds layers of tension that babies can feel — even if you never say a word. Your effort is enormous. Their nervous system can still sense it. Feeding challenges often build over time — not from a single moment, but from an emotional landscape where feeding stopped feeling safe. This isn’t your fault. It’s just where you are now — and that means we can respond in a way that fits.
First steps you can take
When feeding has become a battle, the instinct is to try everything. Different bottles. New positions. Alternate plans. But real progress starts when we stop doing more and start doing less — with more intention. Here’s how to start building safety back in. Step 1: Pause the Pressure — Reset the Environment Pick one feeding place. One chair. One rhythm. Whether you’re offering breast, bottle, or both — strip everything else back. No switching. No hovering. No persuading. Just you, your baby, and calm consistency. Why this matters: Babies crave rhythm and regulation. If feeding always looks and feels different, they can’t settle into it. Predictability lowers alertness and allows curiosity (or hunger) to return. Step 2: Feed in a Calm Window — Not When They’re Desperate Offer feeds when your baby is regulated, not frantic. That might be after a nap, during skin-to-skin, or mid-play when they’re calm and connected. Why this matters: Feeding requires coordination. And coordination doesn’t happen when a baby is dysregulated. They need calm first. Hunger alone is not enough — readiness is everything. Step 3: Separate Feeding from Performance Don’t watch the clock. Don’t count every ml. Don’t praise every latch or ounce. Instead, hold your baby close. Offer the feed gently. Follow their cues. Then stop. Why this matters: Babies notice when feeding becomes a task. When it becomes a performance, they often withdraw. If feeding can return to connection — not outcome — the nervous system softens. Step 4: Use One Consistent Rhythm Throughout the Day Whether you're offering breast, bottle, or both, keep the rhythm consistent. Something like: Offer calmly If refused, pause Try again once, then move on Protect time between feeds for co-regulation and calm Why this matters: Predictability builds trust. Repetition brings comfort. Your baby learns: “This offer is safe. If I’m not ready, it will pass. If I am, I can take it.” That reduces defensive feeding behaviours over time. Step 5: Create Space for the Relationship to Return You don’t have to be feeding to support feeding. Sometimes the best way to restore the relationship is through cuddles. Singing. Holding them chest-to-chest with no bottle in sight. Showing them your body is a safe place — not a feeding battlefield. Why this matters: Co-regulation resets the nervous system. A baby who feels safe with you is more likely to feel safe accepting from you — whether that’s milk, touch, or interaction.
What progress might look like
Progress might not look like finishing a full feed. It might look like: Reaching for the bottle or breast Opening their mouth again Accepting a few seconds of latch Calmer body language when offered Staying in your arms longer without fussing Exploring with their tongue or lips Letting feeding become part of the rhythm again These aren’t small wins. They are evidence of the nervous system re-opening — and that’s how real feeding readiness begins.
When to reach for more support
This path is a solid start. But if you feel unsure, stuck, or need a deeper look into what your baby can manage, it’s okay to ask for more. You may want personalised support if: Your baby’s weight gain is poor or declining Feeds are marked by distress, gagging, or breath-holding You’ve been trying for weeks with little change You’re navigating complex feeding plans and need clarity You suspect swallowing difficulties or oral-motor needs You’re carrying all of this emotionally and it’s affecting your ability to keep going Inside The Feeding Circle, you can ask questions anytime in the group — and if needed, members receive 10% off consultations and packages, with a limited number of slots each month reserved for families like yours.
Feeding isn’t just about what goes in.
It’s about how safe your baby feels in their position, in your rhythm, in the process.
And by slowing down here — you’re already starting to rebuild that safety. This is real progress. You’re doing it.